Why Am I Even Here?

 

So upset tonight. My day started quite well but it ended bad. Not really bad, but it left me feel bad.

 

Sometimes there are things that other people mindlessly say that can really hurt – especially those that come from the mouth of someone we thought would not say such things to us.

 

I was really hurt. If  I haven’t have enough control of myself, i could have gotten angry. but i chose to be calm. and hurt.

 

In my mind i have asked, “Why am i here?" “ Why did i even bother to be here if I can be somewhere else where i can truly feel good about myself, be proud of myself and not live my life to please these damn people around me?

 

i felt like i am in a place of unfamiliar people. indeed, I am.

 

This is not my world. This is not the type of people i want to live with. This is not the world i want to be in.

 

I so hated the feeling!

 

 

xoxo-

Back to Old Vices?

I just came back from a week-long vacation and i was fuming to find out that DH has gone back to smoking.

For all the procedures and tests i’ve gone through, i was thinking he was just wasting our time with all the fertility tests. I have been into a lot of discomforts and stress thinking if the procedures i would go into are painful or not, and here he is – smoking his way to fertility. 

It’s just so frustrating that I have faced my challenges, fought my fears – while he on the other hand only underwent a simple, no sweat semen analysis and he even have the guts to go back to smoking.

I know it is not easy to break a bad habit, but once you have invested a lot of time, suffered all the withdrawal symptoms and totally overcome it, you have to think twice about even picking up one stick.

I don’t know where all these fertility tests are going. I am just plainly mad and angry. . . and frustrated. This is not anymore my battle, it’s his!

what now?

 

got chills yesterday.

 

now i got headache and i felt nauseous.

 

got cramping on my tummy as well.

 

had diarrhea last night too.

 

a merry mixed up of everything i guess.

 

will be off for a long vacation tomorrow and i do not know if all these will subside before i will be screaming on that zipline adventure i plan to do early next week.

 

on the other hand, i wish all these means having a baby. and i would love to forgo all those adventure trips and mountain climbing if i am.

 

crossing my fingers.